Perfect Image


Last night I dreamt I was at work. There was a train of electric carts. We owned them. They were hooked together, but one had gone missing. There were people all around us stripping carts down. You know like stealing the hubcaps.

The Department Manager, who was my boss before I got promoted, and who is now trying to bury me, had died. Like a massive heart attack. I thought, OH I am not surprised, she was so stressed out.

I was looking into another woman's eyes thinking about the death. This woman had silvery wavy soft hair, wrinkled skin and clear eyes, and I thought, she isn't so much older than I am. I thought, is she afraid to die?

As I get closer to the end of my life I think about this. I wonder and wonder, but no answers yet. I do know this, everyone's death is different. You couldn't write a book called How to Die and have it be a universal guide. But you could probably write a book called, How Not to Die.

My sister, a pediatric intensive care nurse, taught me a lot about death and what happens. She used to tell us stories about the deaths of the infants in her care. Sadly some of these babies were born with neural tube defects resulting in their having little or no brain, they could only live a few days. She saw a lot of death.

The things I picked up from her were:

  • Parents and loved ones should touch and talk to even non responsive people while they are dying, because they do know you are there.
  • You can keep a loved one from death by the force of your will.
  • There comes a time when you need to let them go.

From my own experience I know:
  • You can run and hide from death. No one will blame you, except yourself.
  • Avoiding people who are dying is not a good idea. You avoid the pain while they are alive, but you grieve harder and experience much more guilt after they are gone.

Death is not pretty. It is not easy. It smells bad. It is boring. It takes a long time. It is very recognizable. It is significantly the mirror image of birth. There is a calm that comes when the last breathe is taken. Or at least it seemed that way to me.

Of course my big wisdom comes from a tiny tiny experience. What do I know? But I keep thinking, where were we before we were born? What was that like? Did we know we were ourselves? Or was it nothingness? And so where will we go when we die? Will we know we are ourselves? Will it be bad? Will it be good? Will it be nothingness?

I keep the peace in my head by saying, live every day like it is your last day on earth. Don't put life off until it is convenient to commence it. You might miss your only chance. Read poetry, dance, do hard work, eat, drink, and love. Curse your boss, caress your children, and love your husband. Spend money like you need to get rid of it. Talk to people, listen to people, help people, but don't ignore people.

Here is my very best piece of advice, it is coming to you in the way of a parable. When I was a new mother I had a really hard time with my new baby boy. I had an image in my mind of a perfect child. And each day I held my boy up to the image and measured him. I always looked first to the places where he didn't match and then I would work on him. I tried to mold him to be like my perfect image.

But he was stubborn. And pig headed. And he wouldn't get into my mold. It caused so much conflict and frustration and, on my part anger. I actually read books and magazines to get even more precisely perfect images and techniques to mold growth. And it just wasn't working.

One day I had an epiphany. I could throw away the perfect image and just look at Him. He was himself in all his glory. And he really was glorious! He sure as hell wasn't perfect, but neither am I. He needed some things, like to be outside to be moving. He needed to be loved and accepted. He needed to have some nice clothes and some funny books. He needed his dad to tickle him, his brother to fight with him and his mother to love him. So I let go of the image, and it was so relaxing. I still got worried and picked up the perfect image and thought oh dear we will never get him in there. But then I would go back to the other and think, he isn't the perfect ideal, but he is damn fine .

That was mawkish. I am as big a fool as anyone. I know you can't give and receive advice. You earn knowledge, it is burned into you by experience. 

--
First Posted by dovie devine to Feeding the Baby at 3/12/2006 07:04:00 AM

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