Feeding the Baby

It's wartime and we are traveling along a steep, narrow, dirt road in my old Dodge Colt Vista station wagon. I'm up front in the passenger's seat and I push out the front window so i can see more clearly. We are weaving through a crowd of people all walking the other way. There is barely enough room to pass and I am sitting right up front where I can plainly see everything. Also the Dodge Colt Vista is front wheel drive. But, frustratingly, the car is being driven by the managers in the jump seat in the rear. They are facing the rear window and from that location they are trying to steer the car through the crowd. I am also a manager, but they don't trust me to do what they would have done in my situation so I am reduced to calling back warnings to them which I am not sure are getting through or if they are getting through I am not sure they believe me. It's a clown car full of managers.

In this dream I was at a  poetry  contest whose winner would be admitted to this  poetry  school. I had submitted my poem but all of the judges hated it. They felt my poem wasn't structured well and didn't conform to the rules of  poetry . I appealed to the white-haired chief judge. He decided that I could have one more chance. I could come to study with him if I brought him a 14 line poem explaining why I preferred wildflowers to roses. Easy! Anyway, I haven't written the poem, I really am not a  poet . But I have thought a lot about why I prefer wildflowers to roses. The easiest reason is my preference for chance and chaos over predestination and order. One ragged golden  flower blooming in a dirt parking lot  seems more beautiful than any vase of twelve white roses. Just from the contrast and integrity of beauty insisting upon itself despite the constructions of men. It is the reason why I prefer Janis Joplin to Frank Sinatra. The rough...

The world is too much with us; late and soon, Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers; Little we see in Nature that is ours; We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon! This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon, The winds that will be howling at all hours, And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers, For this, for everything, we are out of tune; It moves us not. -Great God! I'd rather be A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn; So might I, standing on this pleasant lea, Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn; Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea; Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn. William Wordsworth Blindness to the mystical beauty of the world. Deafness to the sounds of our natural souls crying in desperate need. God! At least the pagan is suckled. Poor stupid Americans (OH, poor stupid me). So impoverished, and so unaware. Piling up mounds of things and sitting on top, alone, declaring how great we are and how everyone should be like us, while our c...

Five cowering in the dark at the end of the hall behind closed doors thin bones clacking. Waiting for  Kronos Red streaked yellow teeth whiskery gaping jaw hungry for his children This is a game we played at Grandma's house, it used to quite frighten me. We would close all of the doors into the hallway, on hot summer afternoons, and make a fort with pillows that we could crouch behind. Then all five of us would get in there and tell each other terrifying stories. We could stay there for hours. Later, when we were teenagers, we looked back on that game and in our adolescent sophistication, endowed with sure and certain knowledge of the world, we condemned our game as sick a symptom of a dysfunctional family. Because we were afraid, not without reason, of adults and the world. But it wasn't as bad as all that. What we really had was much more vivid and gruesome imaginations than were strictly good for us. I used to read fairy tales, the real ones not the Disney ones, and ...

Autumn I was in the high school Guidance Counselor's office, the usual goal setting bullshit.  What do you want to do with your life?  I said: "I want to be happy!" And I meant: I don't believe it’s possible, I meant:  it’s  an unobtainable goal.  Middle-aged now, I walk  Along the afternoon holding hands and feeling     that smile working out from deep inside my chest    I say:  "I feel happy!" And I mean: it’s as simple as sunlight. I mean:  it isn't a goal, it's a gift.

Last night I dreamt I was at work. There was a train of electric carts. We owned them. They were hooked together, but one had gone missing. There were people all around us stripping carts down. You know like stealing the hubcaps. The Department Manager, who was my boss before I got promoted, and who is now trying to bury me, had died. Like a massive heart attack. I thought, OH I am not surprised, she was so stressed out. I was looking into another woman's eyes thinking about the death. This woman had silvery wavy soft hair, wrinkled skin and clear eyes, and I thought, she isn't so much older than I am. I thought, is she afraid to die? As I get closer to the end of my life I think about this. I wonder and wonder, but no answers yet. I do know this, everyone's death is different. You couldn't write a book called How to Die and have it be a universal guide. But you could probably write a book called, How Not to Die. My sister, a pediatric intensive care nurse, taught me...

I had some good dreams last night.  Majic Puppies by Pending-Destruction In one I had a gift of 3 black dogs. They were puppies, glossy black, eyes barely open, tongues still soft. They seemed to be a kind of Labrador retriever and poodle mix, which I think might make a good pet, cause poodles are know for their smartness and labs for their enthusiasm and devotion. The other thing is  black dogs are the symbol of depression. As seen on the tarot cards or, Dennis informs me, English myth.  The next dream was at the Ivy street house. It was in the living room and we had a dining table set in front of the T.V. The boys were sitting up on high stools and I was sitting very low to the ground. Everything and everyone was far above me. As I observed this a professor I know stood behind my shoulder and observed too. He said, "I guess you know what this means". And I did. I guess I am not sitting up at the same table as the rest of the members of the family. In my mind ...

SENSIFICATION Sassifrass confabulation introspective speculation Tralala LA frictation. Stomach high absolutation Contrary-wise emulsification. Trust me now  instantiation . Chuckles chucked and freckles frecked, alias emancipation.

I had a sad dream last night. I dreamed that  Grandma 's  house  was sold for good and forever.  I went back there and it was like Judy and Claude's  house  those last days when you and Marcia had finished cleaning it out and were sleeping on mattresses on the living room floor. I felt so left out because all the packing had been done and there was nothing left but meaningless debris.  Workman in the back yard and everything covered with concrete out there. We were on a timeline to get out and we were never going to come back.  It felt so real, like all my lovely dreams of going home were over and I would never have one again.

Venus and The Night Sky Over Mammoth by by John Lemieux , New Dimension Films used under CC 2.0  I had such a cool dream last night.  One day a guy from the Three Dog Ranch came by to talk about his political campaign. He invited us to the Three Dog Ranch. So we got on the bus and rode way out into the middle of nowhere to the Three Dog Ranch.  The ranch is a neo-hippy vegan commune that is pretty well known. We get out there and as we were walking into a room a guy told me I had to go outside because my leather bag was upsetting to his dog.   Apparently vegan dogs get grossed out when humans carry skinned animals around.  I went outside with Dennis and we lay down on the ground on some blankets. We looked up into the starry night sky and cuddled while other people came and went and sat down near us. I closed my eyes and saw the sky still and then a poster of three Native Americans posing and the words above their heads were we are thre...

I dreamt that I arrived at work on a Tuesday and found a strange lady in the receptionist desk. She claimed I knew her so I smiled and said hello then went to my desk. My desk was piled high with papers and ephemera. I started sorting through it and realized that the receptionist had cleaned her desk off by dumping everything on mine. She told me she was going to be married soon and asked me if I was planning a party for her. Having met her only a minute ago I had to say no. I was helping the new technical person with his spreadsheet issues and when I turned back around my desk was gone. It turned out the receptionist needed more space to shred paper so she moved it a round the corner. I flipped out. I was so angry and I knew I had to keep a cool pretense because it's work but I also needed to set boundaries so she knew what I would not tolerate. Put my desk back right now and never touch anything on it again.

I did have a crap nightmare or two. Night before last I woke up to what I thought was Dennis tapping my foot to gently wake me up. But when I looked up all I could see was a very dark room and hazy mass of shadows at the foot of the bed which I took to be Dennis.  I think he tapped my foot again and I said Dennis? No answer. I'm waking up more and feeling scared so I say louder, "Dennis?" No answer.  I look hard and I see the form at the end of the bed swaying forward and back, so odd! I am really alarmed so I call out "Dennis!" and realize at the next moment that he is hanging by his neck from the ceiling and swaying on the rope so I cry out "Dennis!!!" and he answers me from the space on the bed where he normally sleeps, "what?"  I am released from the  dream   and flushed with surprise and joy because he is right there in bed beside me so I say, "nothing, just a nightmare."Then jump out of bed and run to ...

Last night I dreamt my sister and I were at the Tyler Mall trying to find someplace to eat. It was so crowded. People were shoulder to shoulder walking through the hallways. I was looking for someplace nice to eat that didn't have too many customers. I found such a place, all fresh raw foods and the counters and lights were cool neon glowings. The seating was bar stools at the counters and it was only half full. I turned to find my sister and she wasn't there. She had been there a minute ago but now there was no sign of her in the big crowd. I ran back down the spiraling hallway searching through the crowds. But there were so many people. Pushing, shoving and taking up the air. I searched and searched, I went up one fork or another and each time I went one way or another I knew I was either closer to finding her or much much further away. Finally I paused on a landing in the open air. There was some sky above and a wall to my back and I felt a little calm. I tried to get ...

I dreamt that I was out and about with my husband and friends. We went to a venue where we meant to have a little fun. It was over running with people! Especially children, they were everywhere and underfoot.  The others got lost and I wandered into a room where they were having a wrestling match. It was a young boy with a huge head and arms. His eyes were deeply shadowed and almost black. It seemed he was intellectually handicapped and being used by his manager. The other wrestler was blonde possibly with Downs Syndrome.  The dark wrestler came up to the blonde one and pulled out a piglet. He grabbed the blonde one in a wrestler's hug and the piglet was at the back of the blonde one. The piglet nibbled and grunted and chewed through the blonde one's shirt and then the dark wrestler tore the shirt off. Bits of shirt still clung to the blonde wrestler's back. The whole thing was oddly erotic.  They broke apart and I went into the ring and began to help the lit...

In my dream last night my little sister was sitting under some bushes just outside the garage. Just right down on the dry red dirt. It was a very hot day and she had one fussy baby in her lap and a its twin laying on its side by the ditch. I was worried about both my sister and the babies because it was so hot and they only had on diapers. My sister was "patting" the baby on her lap on the tummy. Everyone looked miserable. The second baby looked like he had cinnamon in his mouth. Oh dear. I said, "Let me take the babies and give them a cool bath while you go home and rest." She agreed and we got some help and lifted the babies up and went into the open garage to see if there was a bathtub. Turns out Bob Dylan was renting out the garage and living there. He just couldn't have been more helpful and truly seemed to want to help us bath the babies, but there were no appropriate bathtubs.   He showed us one and even got into it to show how it would work, but ...

In my dream last night the world was at war. There was a constant state of crisis and all citizens had been thoroughly briefed. There was a chemical weapon that looked like sparkling gold specks that dropped from the sky. When we heard the warning we had to gather up the family and neighbors into the most air tight room we could find and wait for the all clear. One afternoon the alarm sounded. I was at the Cowper street house and we had a shelter in the basement. My heart pounded and I began rushing around hurrying people. "Come now!" I cried. But they delayed. Children in the swimming pool didn't believe anything could happen on a sunny day. Men walking home for work were skeptical of the need to rush. I cried and pushed and pulled and got so many of my family into the shelter just as the golden dust began to fall. At first it looked harmless those who were too slow were slowly covered with the dust, but it was already too late for them they fell at the doorstep an...

Robbie's Mesmerizing Eyes

House by dmichael227 Flickr ow

By Joe Salerno Poetry is the art of not succeeding; the art of making a little ritual out of your own bad luck, lighting a little fire made of leaves, reciting a prayer in the ordinary work. It’s the art of those who didn’t make it after all; who were lucky enough to be left behind, while the winners ran on ahead to wherever it is winners go running to. O blessed rainy day, glorious as a paper bag. The kingdom of poetry is like this—quiet, anonymous, a dab of sunlight on the back of your hand, a view out the window just before dusk. It’s an art more shadow than statue, and has something to do with your dreams running out—a bare branch darkening on a winter sky, the week-old snow frozen into something hard. It’s an art as simple as drinking water from a tin cup; of loving that moment at the end of autumn, say, when the air holds no more promises, and the days are short and likely to be gray. A bland light is best to see it in. Middle age brings it to flower....

I live in an old gray house With scarred wooden floors and wavery-glass. There is a room in the back, behind an elusive door Which I stumble on only in dreams. The room is empty now and dusty from misuse But the window views are wide and clear. My husband, black-bearded, warns me off. I ache From its lack. Even now I know I have gone back

The dream last night had Dennis, me, the boys, and a baby moving into a new unknown house in a new unknown city.  It turns out that in this city each night the animals migrate from a grassy spot down slope to a grassy spot up in the hills and the path of the migration is through our yard. The hour comes and we are in the house looking out across the yard to the barn and the animals start coming. A few at first then more and more till it's like a flood of animals. They are pressing up against the sliding glass doors and the windows. Rhinoceros, elephants, wolves, sheep, all of them. I can see their gray hides pressed tight to the glass and I am seriously worried about the glass breaking. When they finally clear the boys and Dennis go out in the yard heading to the barn. The boys are bare chested and bare foot and I am full of fear for their safety. Anything could happen! There is a wolf on the barn roof. Moonlight Wolf by  Frederic Remington ...

  Last night I was  dreaming  about this girl who insisted I give back her Aunt Mary's rings. She said that she gave me three rings of her Aunt Mary's and that I needed to give them back. I didn't remember her giving me the rings. Later her boyfriend was talking to me and telling me I had to give back the rings and I said to him, "I don't always remember everything that happens to me, not like when I was younger. Maybe she gave me the rings and I just don't remember? But I showed her  three rings tied in a row on a string and asked if these were her Aunt Mary's and she could not identify them. What do you want me to do?" Then I walked to some elevators to leave and as I walked there were places on the floor where workmen had pulled up tile and flooring and I could see far down the holes and it looked very dangerous like anyone could fall through the hole and down to the bottom of that pit. And finally the holes were very close togethe...

Dreamed about babies last night. It was work and it was a party. There was a baby and I was trying to keep track of it. At one point the baby looked at me and said, do you mind stepping out of the room so we (meaning the guy sitting on the bed) can have some man talk? I just thought that was so clever and I went around telling everyone how smart that boy was. Then there was a wild party and all the ladies from work were drunk in the kitchen and started taking off their clothes and dancing around and spilling drinks on the floor. I sat alone in the other room and thought about what morons they were. As usual I would be getting in trouble for not going along with them. But really, most of the time it's stuff as stupid and mindless as dancing naked in the kitchen so if I don't want to I'm just not going to compromise. Long story right? And I didn't even get to the part about feeding the baby. I was always worrying about whether the baby was getting its bottl...

Last night I dreamed we had a party at Grandma's house on Ivy. The driveway was setup for guests and we had a really cool barbeque setup. There was a woman there demonstrating cooking and we sat around on barstools watching. I was being interviewed, one of those this is where she came from stories. There was a photographer too and we set off around the side of the garage to climb to the top of the hill. Over the years the yard had grown, and I mean got much much bigger! As we walked along the side of the garage I could see Mom's irises. They were so vibrant. Purple (my favorite, white, yellow and big green stalks.) We went in a back gate and walked up to the top of the hill where we used to play "baseball" and there at the top was a huge well equipped sports field. With the backstop and benches and the little store where kids can buy a bag of big league chew bubble gum. And way off to the side was a view of a beautiful hilly country. It was great...

I dreamed that Dennis and I moved to a new bustling city and lived in a complex with lots of other people. I hated it. The teenagers were playing a game in the hallway and they were just knocking us out of the way and telling us to leave. I got so mad I said I'm calling the police! But then I had a terrible time trying to get into my own apartment and finding a phone. There seemed to be a lot of tables with empty pizza boxes on them and sometimes animals and children were perched in the boxes. Then I was trying to cook outdoors over a small hibachi. The frying pan was small and I kept finding odd things in the bottom like a black napkin. In the end I was able to cook a small grilled cheese sandwich but alas I forgot to put the tomato on. We were also by a pool. It was perfect and blue. There was a teacher and we were learning English from her. I was showing a boy from Germany how to make the hand signs for "go faster" and "turn left" he seemed intereste...